REGRET IS ALWAYS AT THE END.
I closed my eyes and let my body feel the cold breeze brought by the wind. As I closed my eyes, memories of how I met the girl named Mara lingered in my mind.
“Leander!” I still remember how my name would sound so sweet when she’s the one saying it.
It all happened in April. Since the day I met her, I have discovered a lot of things about myself.
And this is how our story went…
—
It was a Saturday morning, and I was sitting here in my comfort place as I always do. It’s the place beside my school that I discovered last month. I often come here to read some novels. It’s the perfect place to relax. Deafening silence filled the area. I could hear the sound of trees when the wind blew fresh air.
I was reading peacefully in silence when I noticed a girl wearing a red casual dress sitting slowly beside me. I looked at her with furrowed brows spitting a confused look.
She smiled awkwardly and said, “I’m sorry, please just continue reading, don’t mind me.”
I nodded as an answer.
I got distracted as I saw her pulling her dress down repeatedly because of the wind. Since I brought a jacket with me, I removed it and tried to give it to her.
“Here, you can use my jacket so your dress won’t lift when it’s windy,” I said.
She looked at me with bright eyes, admiring my kindness.
“Really? Wow, you’re so nice! Thank you!” she said energetically.
“No problem,” I answered. She suddenly reached her hand to me while grinning from ear to ear and said,
“My name’s Mara! And you are?” she asked. I don’t really give my name to strangers, but she’s spitting an excited look on her face, so I’ll just give it to her.
“I’m Leander. It’s nice meeting you.” I said as I shook her hand.
She smiled genuinely, showing her beautiful white teeth. Her long wavy hair swung when the wind blew, her hazelnut eyes looked at me gently. She has smooth, silky white skin that is really pleasing in the eyes.
I felt an unusual feeling in my chest.
That’s how I first met Mara.
After our first encounter, she will always be there whenever I go to that particular place, waiting for me.
We got close and became friends. We talked about a bunch of things. She told me a lot of things about her.
Mara is energetic and talkative. She always wears a happy expression on her face, a comfortable person to be with. She always has a story to tell, and I just listen to her whenever she talks.
We’re compatible.
Six months passed, Mara confessed.
It’s not my first time receiving a confession, but why does it feel different with her? What’s this peculiar feeling? I know I don’t have time for these games, but I don’t want to see her disappointed expression. I can’t reject her. I only agreed to be in a relationship with her because of my very own curiosity.
We started dating.
We hang out every time, doing what a typical couple would do. It was a great experience, like a new discovery in my life. Mara became my comfort person. She looked the happiest when she’s with me. I could tell that she really likes me, but I am the kind of person who doesn’t care about anything else other than my studies. I don’t care about anything as long as I get a perfect score in my grade.
Eight months after we started dating, I began to distance myself from her. I’m done playing. I have to focus on my priorities now.
I know Mara also noticed that I’m avoiding her, and maybe that’s what drove her to go to my house and confront me.
We fought on the day she confronted me. She cried the whole time we argued.
Mara’s tears were like rain flowing down her face. Then, after a few minutes, she took a deep breath, wiped her tears, and faced me.
“Those months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds that we’ve been together are the best moments in my life. You gave me happiness in the year that we’re together, and I thank you for that. I really love you, but I can’t force someone to have feelings for me, so this is my farewell to you, Leander.” she said. Those were her last words to me.
“I’m sorry” were my last words to her.
We broke up that day, and that’s the last time I saw Mara.
One month passed since we broke up when I received a call from Mara’s mother. She asked me to go to their house because she has something to give me, so I went to their home. I’ve never been this shocked in my entire life.
My body froze like ice when I entered the door and looked in front of me. Before my eyes was a white coffin. Beside the casket was a framed picture of Mara. Flowers surrounded the place. I walked until I reached the coffin.
In that coffin was Mara’s lifeless body.
I didn’t know what to feel. My mind went blank, and I couldn’t think straight. I just stared at Mara. Then, her mother stood beside me and gave me a letter.
She said Mara wrote a letter for me before committing suicide last night.
I stayed in their house for a few days and never left her coffin. I wanted to be beside her for the last time.
After the funeral, I locked myself inside my room for days. I couldn’t even study because all I could think of was Mara.
One night, I finally made a decision. I sat on the chair and, gathering my courage, slowly opened the letter.
My Dearly Beloved,
I’m sure you’re still shocked about my sudden death. But you’re the most important person in my life, so I want you to at least know why I did such a terrible thing.
Ever since my parents broke up, life has never been the same for me. Years after they separated, both of them made their own family and finally found their happiness. I feel betrayed because both of them left me all alone.
My dad only gave me an allowance but never really talked to me. My mom seemed to be disappointed since I’m not a top student, unlike my half-siblings. None of them wants to take me into their respective homes.
I got depressed and started to question my existence. However, everything changed when you came into my life….or so I thought.
Being with you brought me nothing but happiness. Meeting you made me believe that I still have a reason to live. But little did I know… .it’s only an illusion that I made up because I needed a reason to keep me going. The day we broke up, I felt my whole world crumbled into pieces.
I am writing this now, just before I take my own life. I believe that there’s no point in living when you only receive pain.
You’re like a candle to me; you lit up the darkness in my world. My only regret is that I never got a chance to meet you again before leaving this world.
I love you until my last breath, Leander.
-Mara
After reading her letter, the emotions that I tried to hide inside me burst out like fireworks. I felt my eyes sting. My sight became blurry as the tears in my eyes started to pile up. Then, slowly, my tears dropped.
“Yes, I love Mara, since then and until now…… I love her.
I’m just too scared to accept it myself! I should’ve cherished her since the day we met. Maybe she wouldn’t have to make a decision like that. Maybe she would still be wearing her bright smile. If only….”
I uttered in a cracking voice.
That night, I let myself cry for hours. I regret not treating Mara with care when she’s still here. I hated myself for letting go of the chance to save her from suffering, but blaming myself won’t bring Mara back to life. I have to keep going.
The next day, I went to the place where we first met, our own secret location. I went there to do some thinking.
I have lots of regrets, but it’s too late now. The girl I love is no longer in this world.
As they always say, regret is always at the end.
About the Author
Alexza Irence C. Mangana is a Grade 11 Student currently studying at San Pedro Relocation Center National High School. She loves to eat chicken, cakes, and sinigang. She likes reading fictional stories and sometimes watch movies and anime. She’s a BUBOTS Writing Academy Advanced Level Student.