I never understood bedtime stories. These are told to kids to fall asleep, but after reading the stories again, I came to realize that storybook writers were sociopaths back in the day. I mean, Hansel and Gretel is about cannibalism and disposing of old people in ways that are against the Geneva Convention (the Grimm Brothers are some messed up people). Little Red Riding Hood wasn’t any better: attempted murder, manslaughter, identity theft, and animal abuse. How did children go to sleep back then? Fortunately, some writers who were slightly lesser sociopaths made Goldilocks and the Three Bears a “child friendly story.” Hence, I will be talking about it to avoid getting demonized by talking about other “child friendly” stories.
First of all, just to make it clear, in the original story, the bears were not related. They were just different in size. It is weird, I mean, why were they in the same house? Unless they were relatives… never mind. Anyway, the bears took a walk because their porridge was too hot.
Unfortunately, a girl who was running an errand (aka Goldilocks) somehow managed to stumble across the bear’s house and enter easily. When I first read the story (not the original one), I always wondered how Goldilocks got into the bear’s house so easily. Apparently, according to the original story, the bears were so polite and kind to others that they thought everyone would be polite and kind to them… they won’t survive in the real world.
So Goldilocks entered the house and did the whole “too hot, too cold, just right” thing with the porridge. Hence, Goldilocks should have been wanted by the cops for trespassing and theft (the human cops?). Bear cops? I don’t know.
She then proceeded to sit on the bear’s chairs and sleep on their beds (adding vandalism to the list… there we go). I mean, why? For all she knows, the house could have belonged to three serial killers!
Anyway, the bears came back to the mess Goldilocks had made and caught her sleeping. In most versions, Goldilocks runs out the door, goes back home, or does something boring. In the original book, however, there are three possible endings since even the writer didn’t know what happened (good job, Goldilocks, now you confused your god).
The first ending could be Goldilocks running out of the bears’ house and getting beaten by her mom when she gets home. The second could be running out of the bear’s house but getting lost in the forest. The final (and my favorite) ending, was her jumping out the window and breaking her neck.
Regardless of the ending, she won’t be trespassing again.
About the Author
Luis Joaquin Arbon is an incoming 8th grade student, and he has been homeschooled since 2019. He is enrolled in Ben Button Online Tutorial Services (BUBOTS) from January 2022 to improve his writing skills.
He loves to read and especially enjoyed the Horrible Histories books and The Hobbit. He also likes to play board games (popular and DIY) with his sisters. His favorite is Clue.